Learning How to Say No

In the previous post, I talked about the importance of saying no. In this post, I go a little deeper. Read on and you’ll find techniques to help you learn how to say it.

N-O.  No.  We didn’t have a problem saying this simple two letter word when we were kids.  I think it was one of the first words my children learned right after ‘mama’ and ‘dada’.  When they became teenagers, the word continued to be a large part of their vocabulary!  So why do we have trouble saying no as adults?  How many times does our gut say ‘no’ but our mouth says “I’d be happy to”?

Let’s look at some of the reason why we might have trouble saying no and then discover ways to say it gracefully.

When I considered the times I couldn’t say ‘no’ and asked myself why, part of it was because I wanted to be agreeable and get along with my team.  Another part of it was fear.  I was afraid of disappointing others and worried that people would not like me.  But afterwards, I felt resentful and angry because in trying to please others, I had let myself down. I decided that I no longer wanted to base my decisions on fear.  I gave myself permission to say ‘no’.  And you can too.  It felt awkward at first, but each time I was true to myself, I felt more empowered. When we say ‘yes’ when we really mean ‘no’, we lose a little bit of self-respect; it’s very draining. On the other hand, honoring ourselves by saying what we mean, allows us to keep our personal power.  People who really like us will still like us after we say ‘no’.  They understand.  No one’s world will collapse.  In fact, the more you do, the more people will demand of you.

You are not obligated to say yes to every request. Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ when you feel you can’t do a job properly because of lack of time or resources, if it’s a low priority for you, if you are not feeling well, if you are overextended or exhausted, or if you are going to resent it later.  There are many ways to say ‘no’ gracefully and still keep your job, family and friends.  For example, if your supervisor asks you to do something right away when you are already overextended, consider responding: “Here’s what I’ve got on my plate (list the things), which item can I put on hold to take on this new project”?  Or if you are asked to serve on a committee when you are already too busy, you can decline gracefully by thanking the person, telling them you feel flattered and even though you would like to help, your schedule is full right now.  You can go on to suggest another person that might welcome the opportunity.  What if a co-worker asks you to do something for them but you’re swamped with your own work?  You can offer to guide them so they can do it themselves.  When you coach people to do things for themselves, you empower them.  They learn new skills and have a chance to get good at doing things through practice, trial and error.  Not only are you keeping your power, you are also allowing others to grow and learn. How you say no is just as important as saying it: use a pleasant tone of voice, smile and look the person in the eye. Saying ‘no’ will get easier with practice.

If you don’t feel comfortable saying the word ‘no’, you can imply it without actually using the word.  Try phrases like: ‘not right now’, ‘wish I could but I can’t’, ‘I’d like to come but I have another commitment that night’, ‘I can’t do the whole project but I will help with this part of it’. Keep in mind that you are not always obligated to give a reason for declining a request or an invitation.

When we reluctantly say ‘yes’ to something, we are really saying ‘no’ to ourselves.  It’s very draining.  On the other hand, every time we honor ourselves, we take back some of our power.  It’s an act of self-care.  Taking care of ourselves is the best thing we can do for others.

If you learn to say no more often, not only will your gas tank be full, it will be overflowing so you will have more to share with others!