Letting Go
The other day, I was having a conversation with my wise friend Sue and she said to me that holding on to negative emotions is like having a clog in your drain; the water still flows but not as freely as it would if the clog was cleared. But if we ignore the clog, more serious problems can occur over time. I started to think about that in terms of clutter (sorry, my mind always seems to go there). Holding on to clutter, that is anything that we do not use or enjoy, is like a clog in our drain, keeping opportunities from flowing freely into our lives.
Shortly after that conversation, I met a wonderful woman who told me she is anxious to move forward in her life, but feels stuck. When I asked her about her home and what she had in it, she confessed that she had kept a lot of her ex-husband’s stuff, even though she didn’t like it or have any use for it. She didn’t think it was a problem because it was out of her sight, hidden under her bed and in the closet. Well, I’m sure the Feng Shui experts out there would have a field day with that comment! Although I’m not an expert in Feng Shui, I have studied it enough to know that every item carries energy, and energy cannot be contained behind closed doors. If the energy is tied to negative past experiences, it can affect us in a negative way. It may drain our energy and prevent us from taking action towards our goals or cloud our minds and cause us to lose focus. It can even keep us up at night, especially if the items are stored under our bed! When I explained this to her, she promised me she would immediately send the items off to charity, since her ex didn’t want them. I’m anxious to hear back from her, because I have a feeling her drain will be unclogged in no time and wonderful experiences will be flowing into her life easily!
There are so many benefits to letting go of things emotionally and physically – sometimes we need friends or advisors to help us see that. Great post Hellen!
I never thought of clutter like that! I am awsome at getting stuff I don’t want organized and ready to go out the door………….Then it just sits there! Usually because I feel like I am throwing money out as I don’t want to take the time or effort required to sell it. I just want to give it away! Also, it represents part of my life I don’t want to forget, like toys the kids used to love! I have a box of “memories” for each child, like first outfit, first tooth, favorite outfit, baby things. It seems like money thoughts are the most troublesome though, even if it is money spent long ago…………
Hellen, could you expand on what Erica commented. The “money” aspect of getting rid of clutter and items that are no longer useful to us (wrong size, etc.) is what keeps a dear friend of mine from getting rid of clutter. She thinks of the monetary value and how she could sell it for $$, but then she never does anything to sell it, so it just sucks the energy out of her. I try to convince her to just donate the items and move on, but in her mind, they have value and it the same as throwing it away!
Sure Carol, I’d be happy to speak to that. There are two issues here. First, it’s been my experience that some people find it easier to let go of an item when they know it is going to a ‘good home’ where it will be useful and appreciated, rather than to a ‘faceless’ charity. For example, an artist would be happy to see the art supplies she no longer wants go to a school where they will be used for art classes. The second issue is about getting money for one’s cast-offs. Most people think their stuff is worth more than it actually is. Also, selling takes time and effort…the return on that investment is usually limited. I like to ask, “what’s it costing you to keep it?” It costs in terms of space and time. I will be happy to elaborate on this further in another blog entry soon.
Hi!
I just wanted to say I’ve just found your blog and I’m looking forward to reading more of it. I’m the sort of person who can organize, in fact I love organizing and setting things up. What I lack is follow through: the day to day grind of routine tasks just doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Perhaps you can address the maintenance aspect of “organization” some day, too.
And thanks for the Brain Book. It’s a great idea.
Great Post Hellen!
I have found personally that even the smallest and most insignificant personal physical token can bring total recall of an event. I totally agree that for your own sanity it is important to separate yourself from reminders of your past (if you do plan on moving forward)
Thanks for the great post! I will be sure to check back more often!
Cheers
Jesse
I believe I am the “dear friend” Carol is referring to. I am a neat/clean freak in many ways, love to see everything perfectly organized, am attracted to all kinds of organizing methods, supplies, etc. — yet I have lots of stuff and lots of clutter! While I enjoy having a lot of things, collections, hobbies, etc. I don’t like the perpetual feeling of needing to “go through things”, purge, file, organize closets, rooms, etc…and yes get rid of some things! I feel like I could spend the rest of my life trying to de-clutter and organize each room the way I would like it, and I would never finish! When I am at work 40-50 hrs per week, and everything else I need or want to do, I never seem to be able to find the time, when I do take an hour or a day or two days, on an organizing task or project it feels like a drop in the bucket. and it’s hard to even know where to start.
I think my friend has somewhat misunderstood the “money aspect” of my holding onto things. I have a lot of different reasons for holding onto different things – sentimentality is a big one and if something was a gift from someone I love, whether it be clothes, decorative item, or a popcorn popper I generally have trouble donating or selling it. I also sometimes have the feeling I might be able to use an item down the road, or that I have spent too much money on something to just blindly give it away. IF I can find a true home for these items (even sentimental ones if in my family) I don’t mind giving them away and do. The money aspect and selling dilemma is only there when I feel bad about the money I spent on something I didn’t really wear or use and I don’t personally know someone that could use and enjoy it. I feel like if I can get something for it, I can let it go and feel okay. However, the clothes I got for a good price, then wore and got some good out of and no longer fit or I am tired of, I can put in a bag and give to charity. So, it’s not really about the money for me….its much more complex. I would like to hear you talk more about these things I struggle with.
While I was on maternity leave I was able to find the time to get rid of some things online by undercutting the “regular” asking rate by a few bucks and getting stuff out of my house more quickly. Oh, and I used my PVR to pick up your show & similar ones for inspiration. Kids seem to add greatly to the amount of stuff that’s weighing me down, especially plastic stuff.
That said, I have a few boxes of things that I’ve gathered since then that might be worth selling. I have just put a sell reminder in my calendar, and if it’s not gone by then it’s off to be donated.
Natalie, you have given some great advice in suggesting we give ourselves a deadline to sell the items we don’t want anymore and, if we haven’t sold them by then, to just donate them. Putting the deadline in our calendars, perhaps with a reminder a week before, will hold us accountable.
I think money can be the reason many of us hold onto things we don’t need or want anymore, sometimes for the reasons mentioned above (i.e., I might be able to get something for it) but sometimes because we just feel bad about getting rid of something we’ve spent good money on. Maybe it’s an expensive outfit that just isn’t comfortable, so you never wear it, but you feel guilty about buying it so you keep it. Then, every time you see it in the closet, you feel guilty all over again. When you accept that the money has been spent, whether you keep the item or not, you give yourself permission to “let it go” and you automatically feel better!
Great post, Hellen!
My husband and I are preparing for a move to a new state. I am welcoming this opportunity to go though our house from one end to the other (very linear house!) and clear out closets, drawers and cupboards. It is liberating! However, I have one stumbling block: my 23 year-old wedding dress. The thought of getting rid of it makes me cry. I feel blessed in my marriage every day (well, almost every day!), so the dress is full of the positive energy from our wedding day. We do not have children, and my nieces will not have a need for it. It was professionally boxed after the wedding to preserve it, so I don’t have to find hanging room for it. So, I’m stuck. I’d appreciate any advice about how to proceed.
This is a common dilemma so you are not alone Diana. If I had no heart I would say get rid of it, you have no use for it and it’s just taking up space. But it’s obvious from your note that it makes you feel good to look at it and have it in your home. So if you have the space for it in your new home, I don’t see that there would be any damage caused if you bring it along. My sense is that keeping it gives you a feeling of security in your marriage.
Now, if this was from a previous marriage and brought up bad memories, my response would be very different.
I know a lot of professional organizers might disagree with my advice. But my definition of clutter is anything that you do not love or use…and you clearly love this dress. The ultimate decision is yours to make but if you are looking for my permission, it is granted!
[…] Hellen Buttigieg explores the psychological benefits of decluttering in her post, Letting Go. […]
Thank you, Hellen, for your kind words about my wedding dress. The more I think about it and the more I clear out other parts of my home, the greater my feeling that the time has come to bid it adieu. This surprises me, but also feels good. You said something about it providing me with a sense of security. I’m not sure that it true. But I do believe I was thinking that letting go of it was somehow disloyal to our marriage. So, now, before I make my final decision, I’m going to run the idea past my husband. I can almost predict that he will be fine either way, but he gets a vote! Thank you again!
Re: the wedding dress
One of my friends loved her wedding dress so much she took it out of the box and found a mannequin type of stand to put the dress on. She kept it in her bedroom. She liked to see it out of the box.
I had a hard time getting rid of my son’s crib and baby items (he was 12 by that point!) until I finally realized that I wouldn’t be getting rid of him by getting rid of the stuff he had used. I also came to understand that getting rid of the baby stuff didn’t mean I would never have another baby-and if I did eventually have another baby I would be able to reacquire furniture and clothes for him/her.
What we tell ourselves about our stuff really influences our ability to let go!
Hi Hellen,
so much of organising seems to be about clutter and purging it. That does indeed feel great. I’ve a bit of a different problem–living in a truly tiny European flat and I seem to use everything I’ve got but need practical solutions for where to put things. I grew up in a very large and very uncluttered house and was taught the mantra “a place for everything and everything in its place”. But what to do when there’s not a place for everything? At this point moving’s not an option.