Break Up with Your Stuff on Valentine’s Day
Did you know that most couples break up on or around Valentine’s day? Yes, it’s true. This sad statistic had me wondering what people do with gifts from their ex after the breakup.
It didn’t take me long to discover there’s a museum that accepts these mementos from all over the world, and displays them along with each anonymous donor’s written account of the romance and heartbreak: The Museum of Broken Relationships, in the Croatian capital.
The museum’s co-founder says donors find the giving therapeutic.
I often get questions from people after they divorce, especially if they have remarried, regarding what to do with sentimental memorabilia from their previous marriage. Things like a wedding gown, photographs, love letters and cards. My immediate response was always: get rid of it so you can move on.
After many emotional conversations with clients, I have revised my response. For example, one client told me her mother, who has since passed away, lovingly sewed her wedding gown. Another client shared that photos with his ex-wife include him with friends and family members during happy celebrations.
I’ve concluded that this is a grey area – there is no ‘right answer’. It will depend on the circumstances and will be different for everyone.
One thing I can say with certainty is if these items evoke feelings of sadness, regret and pain – if they remind you of times you would rather forget – it’s time to let them go.
If shipping them to Croatia is not an option, you could always donate them somewhere closer to home.
If you are reading this on the day it was posted, it’s Valentine’s Day. How appropriate to make the symbolic gesture of releasing the remnants of past, soured relationships today, either to honor your current relationship or clear space to attract a new one.
I want to hear from you, especially if you’ve been in this situation. Do you think there are circumstances where it makes sense to keep trinkets from previous loves? Has your significant other kept mementos of past relationships and, if so, how does that make you feel? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
As a parent I have gone through the marriage breakups of all 3 of my children. Of course I removed any single pictures of the ex-spouses except if there are other family members in them. Later on I went through and culled those pictures down to the bare bones. After all, these people were part of our past, some were good days too and they are the parents of our grandchildren. Any gifts that reminded me of them I donated to Goodwill.
Sharon, it sounds like you’ve found a good balance between keeping and tossing. You make a great point about the good days and that they are the parents of your grandchildren. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Hellen, your post caught my attention and I had to comment. I’ve recently gotten into the salvaging business in Central Alberta via a most unexpected journey, my home staging and redesign business! I’ve always been attracted to the stories behind the objects people cast away in their decluttering – like the mementoes of a former marriage, or grandma’s “junk” that nobody wants. Like the museum in Croatia, I feel called to honor the stories, the history, the memories behind those special items which no longer serve their purpose in someone’s life. However, now I’m finding my own personal space being encroached upon by other people’s “stuff” so I’m opening up a Creative Adventures design studio where people can come, socialize and create “new objects with old soul” from the castoffs I adopt. Like garden art, or home decor or personalized gifts or well, the sky is the limit! If any of your readers want to see their old items given new life, I would love for them to contact me through my website (and stories to accompany each item are very welcome!)
In regard to divorces where children are involved, it is very important to not get rid of anything that they would want to keep even if they are too young to make the decision at the time of the breakup. If you have photos of the family together, those photos (and even some momentos) could be valuable to the children later on in their lives.
Children need oral stories and tangible evidence to help them process that they were wanted and loved. It would be a sad world indeed if all the photographs and other memories of their parents together were thrown out or given away before they grew up and longed to have them.
June, you make a very good point. I never thought of the children – thanks for bringing it up.
thank you Helen for posting this query as i have been pondering this for something for awhile regarding my wedding photos and stuff from that relationship . especially since my daughter is still young and we still sometimes hangout all together. so Sharon`s response was very much of assistance. So thank you for the love of sharing love and bringing peace to my heart today. as i am clearer on what i`d like to do now. hugs
Sonia, I’m sure you are not alone in struggling with this decision. I’m glad you received the gift of clarity today. Please continue reading the comments on this thread, because there is so much wisdom in my on-line community. For example, check out June’s comment.
Yes, we do need to look beyond our own pain and think about what the next generations will want. Let’s do honor and respect the good days and aspects of those relationships. My son’s divorce should be final today (of all days!). He and his wife parted friends so I’m keeping photos and a couple of extra nice gifts they had given us on happy occasions. I just feel really bad about the death of their hopes and dreams. One of his main regrets is the large expensive wedding they had — but that’s a different issue; with the divorce rate what it is, I’m sort of amazed anybody has a big wedding anymore.
A friend (single) of mine went overboard in a minimalist phase and got rid of things she’s sorry about now. She says, don’t be too hard on yourself. If it helps, put stuff in a “half-way house” (maybe a relative or friend can store it) for a while, and go back to it when it’s the right time for you.
Twila, yes, it’s a good idea to let a little bit of time pass so you are making decisions from a clearer, less emotionally-charged place. I like the idea of the ‘half-way house’ but I would also add that there should be an agreement as to how long the items will be stored in our friends’ or relatives’ home, so it doesn’t become a burden to them. It’s easy to procrastinate about going through that stuff.
yes , thank you June and Helen your comments assisted me greatly and clarified my struggle as my daughter wasn`t born yet and is not in any of those photos, yet it is a part of her history the begining before the begining. and Lisa that is way cool! i love that…very fascinating…and inspiring i shall say…i feel some ideas perculating for myself….hugs to all oxxox
After my divorce many years ago, I did get rid of many of the mementos from that marriage but I did save a few photos and what I could keep in a shoe box. I am not a very sentimental person, but that relationship was pivotal in how I define myself. It would be really odd not to have some sort of token of that part of my story.
After my divorce many years ago, I went through and sorted all of my mementos of the relationship. Some of the pictures of the wedding I ended up keeping. Mostly ones with my family and friends in them. Especially the ones of my dad who has since passed away. I sent a few good ones of my ex (without me in them) to his parents and destroyed the rest. I gave my wedding dress to my niece to play dress-up with. A few other things have either been kept or destroyed depending on what value they held for me. Anything that was painful is gone now. The things I have left are nice reminders of the good times we shared.
Laura, you have the right idea. “Anything that was painful is gone now. The things I have left are nice reminders of the good times we shared.” That’s it, in a nutshell, isn’t it?
Hellen, in 1963 I was 14 yrs. old. My family and I moved to another country. I had to leave my first love. Very painful, awful. The world was so big back then. No internet, no Skype, we had to save for weeks to afford a 10 mins. long distance phone call. We wrote almost every day for two years. Being in high school I eventually started living in the present. Flash forward two marriages, to the mid 80’s. I brought my visiting aunt to the airport to return home and who do you think was in line to check in. The first love!! My knees nearly buckled from under me. To make a very long story short, we are now married and will celebrate our 15th anniversary next month. Would you believe he saves ALL my letters! Even throughout his marriage. A bit ironic, he had them stored away in a tin “first aid” box. Never realized they were there until after his marriage broke up. So needless to say we still have them and being a quilter, I hope to have them printed up on fabric and use them as the backing fabric to a quilt that will tell our history together. He’s my first and my last. If I’m weeding out “stuff” and there is emotions attached, I have a plastic box under the guest bed that I will store it for 1 yr. If I haven’t missed it during that time it’s time to find a better home for it.
Anne, what a beautiful story…it gave me goosebumps! The synchronicity is unbelievable, and yet I’ve heard others like it. Very appropriate for Valentine’s Day!
I was lucky because all the jewelry that was given to me by previous loves was stolen once I met my husband and I could start again fresh.
When I broke up with my spouse of ten years, I felt the need to destroy every photo of the two of us . . . lucky for me my wise father told me that he would keep these items. He put them away into a bin which was out of sight (kept at his house). Fast forward a year and a half (Dad was right) we got back together. I’m *SO* thankful he kept those photos!
Helen, My husband passed away 10 years ago from cancer. At the time, I was 37 and had two children, 10 and 12. My husband was a pack rat so it literally took me years to deal with things but I did so gradually as time allowed. Even now though I am still left with a few things that I am uncertain if I should keep and if so where or how. My wedding photo and framed couple pictures make me sad and cry inside when I see them. They take up a huge amount of space to store because they are beautifully framed. I think at some point my sons may like them. They say no now but they are teenagers who may change their mind when they get older. There are also school articles, report cards and papers of his. So very important to him. To throw them out seems disrespectful. The same with his photo albums of people from his childhood I do not even know. I am in a new relationship now with a wonderful man. Even though he is a minimalist, he says I should keep these things. I suspect he is just being polite and respectful given the situation. I was hoping you or one of your readers could have some suggestions as to how to deal with these past items so that I can move on. Thanks so much.
After my first serious relationship ended I got rid of everything but the letters we had written to each other. I bought a lovely decorative box for them and tied the letters inside with a pretty ribbon. That box is now in a trunk of mementos from childhood. That relationship was a defining point in my life. It is not something to be thrown out. And there were times later that it helped me to remember that I had been so loved.
Now, with my marriage fraying I need to decide how to define myself going forward. But I cannot deny those 5 years. All experiences shape you, for better or worse. Perhaps another box, small mementos of the good things the marriage brought to my life.
The mementos are not visible every day – that would keep me stuck. But to get rid of everything would dishonour the love that had been.
After my ex and I broke up I took all the photos of him and gave them to his mother. I did keep the wedding photos that had my friends and family in them – and me looking HOT on my wedding day!
To Frankie — if it’s possible to have another family member store these things that you are undecided about, do that. It helps to try to think ahead a generation or two. I think that under some circumstances, it is okay to pass the final decision on to other people further down the line (as long as you’re not burdening them with bales and big boxes of stuff!).
A few years ago my sister and I went through my mother’s house, piece by piece and bit by bit. Sometimes we were surprised that there were things that nobody in our generation cared about, but which our grown children wanted. Everyone has their own memories and may want different momentoes. And it’s quite possible that your grandchildren or even great grandchildren would love these things. Usually every family of any size has someone who is interested in antiques and genealogy, even if it’s not an immediate family member but a cousin of some degree.
Frankie, if you need these things out of your house, think about giving them to a trusted family member. Make sure they are documented and that your children/grandchildren will be able to trace them if they want to. That may be the best solution all around.
If you should decide to get rid of your wedding gown, I know of a great destination for them in Canada and the US.
There is a wonderful social enterprise called The Brides Project that accepts donations of wedding dresses. Brides can get wonderful, previously-worn dresses there on a budget, and all profits go to cancer research. I helped my cousin pick out her wedding dress at the Toronto location and it was a great experience.
More information here:
http://www.thebridesproject.com/item-donations
Anne’s story was so lovely and beautifully written. So glad she shared it.
The only item I really wanted to get rid of after the break-up was my wedding dress. I donated it to the Brides Project as Jillian suggests. The dress had been sitting in my basement mocking me, saying “you’ve failed, you’ve failed”… so it was a relief to get it out of the house. I keep all the wedding photos and letters however. Maybe I will want to read them when I am an old lady and want to remember and put my life into perspective. It does not take up much space at all! As for souvenirs from our travels: I liked the items then, I still like them now and I may never get to travel back there again, so I’m keeping them! They do not feel like memories of a former spouse, just a part of my life.
Frankie. I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been very difficult to move on and part with so much of your husband’s belongings, but it appears that you’ve done very well. My suggestion is in regards to the photos in the frames. You mentioned that they take up so much room. I believe the most important item is the photo itself. Even if your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren every wanted them, they could certainly be reframed. My mother and I went through all her framed photos, removed the photos and gave the baby pictures, graduation pictures, wedding pictures, etc. to the relevant people; i.e., my brother, my sister and I and she kept one of each family member. The frames were all donated to a charity. You could do something similar and store the actual photos in a safe place without taking up too much room. As for the albums, perhaps you could find out from one of his immediate family (if any) if they would like them, or again, remove the pictures, label and store in a safe place. Good luck!
I think another important thing to “declutter” after a break up is deleting old pictures, etc off social media sites. These things don’t take up physical space, but they keep you from moving on; not to mention, they are really hurtful for your next girlfriend/boyfriend/etc and possibly damaging to the new relationship.
Sarah, I never thought of that; thanks for the great suggestion.
I culled my photo collection of ex-boyfriends, ex-colleagues, ex-friends… but I kept some. It is important to me to not wipe out a part of my life. If something is painful, I will get rid of it, but I tend to see everything as a learning experience.
I am presently separating from my husband. We have two little boys, for whom we are keeping our family pictures and mementos, for them to do what they want to when they are older. I would feel bad getting rid of anything, but if I want to move on, I won’t keep a wedding picture in my living room!
I wish I had kept a love letter from a boyfriend written 35 years ago. I think he is the only man who has ever loved me, and re reading that letter would make me feel good, I think. Unfortunately we parted because our values and goals were too different for us to have a happy life together.
Linda, I’m curious, what prompted you to let go of that love letter initially?
Thanks for the inspirational post Hellen – my post here… http://blog.sorted.net.au/2012/02/22/the-death-of/
Thank you Lissanne for your very timely post. I agree that sharing experiences is a valuable way to heal. And it warms my heart to see the sharing that’s going on within our online community. Virtual strangers, supporting each other. It’s a beautiful thing.
Hello Helen:
I discarded the love letter before I married another man because I didn’t want him to read it.
Linda